So... I've got these friends... I decided to hang out with them tonight, show them my favorite DVD that I own on our home theater... you know, take advantage of my parents being out of town...

Tonight was an all-time low for Jess.  Apparently, he's still hurting from the breakup... that was about 10 months ago.  My favorite part of the night was when my brother and his friends came home and we started talking to them.

Jess:  Yeah, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years
Rob:  Aw man, that sucks, I guess heavy drinking is allowed, you are forgiven
Me:  Are you ready?
Rob:  For...?
Me:  They broke up almost a year ago and he's had sex within the month of May with someone he cares about
Rob:  Oh, Jess, you're just a fucking loser douche bag...
*insert people agreeing here*

I mean, I know that breaking up sucks.  I understand that very well... but I'm tired of it.  I hate having every idea I have end with "You know who'd enjoy that?  Sara..." as the period to my sentence.  I love how he comments on how Sara's boyfriend is a dungeon master or has a shitty job... shares a car with his mom, and yet here's Jess.  He can't drive on his own, he has no job, he lives with his grandmother by choice, his only hobby appears to be drowning his supposed sorrows in liquor.  Who the hell has the sadder life?  The D&D master with a job and girlfriend or the bum who's pining after one girl while fucking another.  Neither seems bad, to be bleedingly honest here.


...I went off on a tangent...

So after all my friends are done making fun of my favorite DVD, Jess has already gone through 10 beers (1.5 hours).  After that he empties my personal stash of Vodka and my fridge or orange juice.

Needless to say, he ended up vomiting tonight... the reason why the rest of the week will be spent by myself here in my computer chair:  Jess went to my broken toilet, told me he wasn't going to vomit anywhere but that toilet, and proceeded to miss.  He never cleaned it up, either...  So I've got a broken toiled to fix, while dealing with the smell of vomit, and that's only for the little bit that actually made it into the god damned toilet.


...Oh yeah, and my friends called me "Jew" and brought up taboo topics around my family...  I'm not inviting them back to my house for a long time... not after tonight...  I don't think I should even talk to them ever...  They said they'd road trip to visit me if I went out to college, but I will try to stop this at all cost...


Anyway, that's it for tonight... Sleep is now, Work is later

So, I've been hooked into playing Hellgate recently...  I've had it since beta, and it used to run great... but for some reason, I'm getting choppy video and scoring about 5 fps average despite having a decent rig and setting everything in game to lowest settings.  So after trying to help me, my friends are now on VOIP telling me how they're running it at max settings and it looks so good, really good in fact, super duper good...

I ask you, what're friends for?  All they seem to do is kick me when I'm down, when I'm just frustrated, when I feel my worst...  I have even more trouble with it because I make the classic human mistake of comparing their behavior to my own.  Where as I've spent many hours waiting for them so that our levels kept about the same, they are taking advantage of my in-ability to play atm by passing me by a huge margin...  Where as I've spent many hours helping them in their quests, they will do exactly what they did with Diablo II and take me to high level places and then abandon me by running ahead, which will get me killed before I can actually chip away at anything...

I play EVE because I like the social achievements and drive to excel almost like you would in real life... I play Hellgate because it's relaxing and fun...  I don't play Hellgate so I have to grind and grind like it's my job just so I can catch up to my friends.  Without friends, Hellgate just isn't worth it for me, so I guess I should go find something else to do with the free time I won't be spending with my friends...  Guess I should start back at the gym...  Maybe work on the whole girlfriend issue, or rather the lack there of...

This seems like as good of a stopping point as ever...  Going to go to sleep before I turn my computer into a huge paper-weight and delete numbers from my phone...

Ever get the feeling that what you say on a mysterious LJ is going to get you into trouble one day?  I get that feeling all the time...

That being said, I think I should step down from my position in EVE...  I kinda felt like combat operations were on the backburner...  I mean, I don't think that we can actively support it.  People are making some dumb mistakes... and I've given them advice they should've taken to heart, you know, like scouting your choke points.

When it comes down to it, I don't think I have the strength of character to uphold the full position of the job.  Not to mention, I don't think I'm experienced enough in the ways of combat preparation to get everyone ready for the wars to come.  Oh yeah, and I'm broke... being broke sucks...

Maybe I'm just doubting myself too... well... no, I think I've made some regretful decisions towards my position... I regret giving my second in command any sense of power...  He's kinda taken the little power and ran with it.  Demanding way too much.  I hate it when people say "it's just a game" but...  I mean... asking for RL information, calling in pirate reinforcements for a corporate event, and demanding that I make all-hands-calls for some punk pirate assholes.  I don't like it, but I can only blame myself for not knowing about the man... I was warned and what the fuck did I do?  I defended him and said he was misunderstood and a good FC.  I took his activity over his quality.  I know I took that risk, but I did it under the notion that combat ops weren't a focus.

I guess when I evaluate the situation, I made the right decision for the right cause... I should've negotiated with my CEO that he not be given any power, just a glorified FC.  I don't like him being in the Board Room for the corp, he shouldn't have that much say in anything.  It's a little late now, but I guess better late than never.  I picked him because he organized operations, something that my RL won't let me accomplish a lot, but now that we've got war on our hands and growing by the day, he's not the right person for the job.  He's not a good enough FC to do the job against the experienced pirates we're going to face.

*nods*  Yeah, I think I just needed to get my thoughts on paper again to see the bigger picture.

Now I just need to worry about this Psychology grade... I know I didn't make an A, but sure enough, it's staring into my soul...  I want to ask my professor, to see if I can figure out where this A came from... but at the same time, I don't want to rock the boat....

Is it May already?  Seriously?  WTF?!

So, I haven't been back to the gym since late December... At first it was for health reasons because the area where I got a hernia repair was aching.  Made it hard to use anything at the gym.  The pain is still with me, but since I've got 3 different medically certified people saying "wtf?!" at it, I've decided that I'm better just moving on.  I know this doesn't sound healthy, but believe me, after 2 years of countless doctors at 3 different hospitals (including Shands hospital in Gainesville, perhaps the best in all of the southeast US) all looking at my right shoulder and saying "There's something in the bones... I have no fucking idea what that is" when they looked at my multiple X-rays, C.A.T. scans, M.R.I.s.  You know what?  After about a year of testing, I got an MRI a month or 2 ago... Turns out the fucking thing has fixed itself... YEARS OF TESTING!!  And it fixed itself... Hence why I've decided that if multiple doctors can't diagnose the problem, then nothing will get done about it.

Most of my friends are doing ok, I guess... I don't see them much since I'm a part-timer working 40 hours a week... after working 40 hours, you really don't feel like doing much of anything.  I wish I could say I'm making the big bucks, but I still can't afford to buy much of anything...

School sucks... I got this awesome American history class... He assigned an English assignment...  Now, I can understand a book report.  A book report is easy enough.  He wanted a book report on the author's emotions, feelings, and bias.  That was exactly what he wanted, it said so in the damned assignment sheet.  The book I was assigned was as unbiased as you can get.  When I asked him "How am I supposed to write 5 pages of 'the author remains unbiased through the whole book'" he would tell me to just say that... Just say that the author remains unbiased through the whole book... For 5 pages...  IT'S A BULLSHIT CLASS, A BULLSHIT PAPER, AND COMPLETELY BULLSHIT.  ...As for my Psychology class, I made an 82 and 83 on 2/3s of the class, I'm just waiting for him to post how we did on the final.  I feel like I did horrifically, but as long as I make more than a 50, I should still pass.

I'm standing at sort of an impass here.  I still want to do the programming thing, and specifically video game design, but...  I've been told Tech schools are the way to go for that.  Tech schools generally have their own course regiments, their own method of doing things, and don't generally let you take your credit hours from old colleges with you.  Good news is: that means a relatively clean slate.  Bad news is: I have to find a good school, which means sorting through a bunch of shit.  If I don't do my research and don't make sure the school is perfect, then its an asston of money wasted.  I've got some friends helping me find good schools, but it's up to me to be searching through the criteria, which is tough.

Now, one issue with new school and old school is that I'm still currently enrolled at the old school.  I haven't found the new school yet.  Should I say "fuck it" and stop working for my associates, and instead just take all the programming and math courses I can snatch up?  I mean, technically I still would need electives and math for my associates, so I wouldn't be wandering too far off my beaten path...

I've kinda glided past the "Is this really what I want to do?" stage.  I love how one of the arguments someone told me against programming was "long hours... really long."  good.  I'm not scared of hours.  If anything, that made me feel better about my choice.  Hell, anyone who dedicates themselves to a job puts in long hours, I don't see why anyone should fear them.

Friends... Friends... Friends... I do not associate with Sara if I can help it.  She's absolutely retarded.

Me:  You got pissed at Tammy...
Sara:  Of course
Me:  Because she had a problem with you writing her name as BITCH...
Sara:  Yeah, that's right
Me:  ...And you can't see why I think you're retarded...
Sara:  I'm the biggest bitch I know

And yes, she did say that last part.  So I'm done talking to her.  John is... creepy... I feel as like going to his apartment is like asking to be raped... and I don't use that word often.  Sara's ex is still doing the "you know who used to love that?  Sara" thing...  My LAN friends are still flaky as ever.  Supposed to play a game of Starcraft last night, one went to dinner and apparently never came back, the other forgot he had work.

And then there was Relle.  I have to say, I'm looking forward to August.  My plans are to take a week off work and spend them lounging at the beach, resting, and relaxing.  This is all Relle inspired, mostly because she mentioned she might come visit, but even if (god forbid) that should fall through, I've decided that the time away would be nice.  Apparently we haven't seen each other IRL in about 3 and a half years, so it's about time we hang out.  I have to say, I'm really looking forward to August.  ^_^

EVE stuff:  I'm combat operations leader... thingy...  I really haven't been focusing on the combat part, but I seem to maintain the logistics and pencil pusher aspects of the position.  I'm trying to establish a working system for everything so that when Loki comes back, he can focus on things that matter and not have to deal with setting up reimbursement or pay scales, training ops, etc.  Between work and getting dragged places by friends (literally dragged in some cases), I can't really do the real-time thing and be with everyone every free second of every day, but my forum warrior powers are strong.  I think the only benefits to me actually running with actual combat operations is that I bring 50% of the DPS and I'm kind of a pillar of morale, me thinks.  It doesn't seem unreasonable that people respect my avatar, though I do have a problem dealing with respect (call me Sir and I'll break you).

...Speaking of EVE stuff, tomorrow is the fortnight of payout and combat ops blog.  I really should start tallying up numbers and get to work writing my May blog while I have some free time.

Oh, hehe... About the title of this, I was trying to find the words to say to accurately describe how I feel in metaphors that only have meaning to me and use it as an away message on aim... but... I guess I'll save that for next time.

Yeah, I've been pretty silent here, I know...  Things got really busy, and I just don't feel like sitting down and writing about it all... this post is more about questions I have, trying to get it all down on paper so I can try to see the bigger picture... I would do it by my normal method, but I've started to actually talk to myself out loud and that's a bit creepy.

I've started... erm... I've been stumbling through college with this goal of computer science.  It's a very daunting, math intensive, science based degree that involves learning a language based on syntax and turning everything into a mathematic equation.  Essentially, I want to be a video game programmer, but lately... I've kinda got this notion that I'm just rushing forward blindly.  It's like I'm forcing myself through school because it's not my own reasons... my parents are trying to kick my ass through the door, but my friends are trying to make me stay (and if any of you assholes are reading this despite me telling your ass not to, then don't fucking bother saying shit to me about it... I know you'll each come up to me one by one and say "I don't want you to stay here on my account" but you know what?  Fuck you... I want sincerity when you speak, not what I fucking want to hear)

I have a lot of good people here, and I'm afraid to leave them behind... almost like I have this idea in my head that I keep people together.  If it's true, then I think that's just sad since I can't even keep myself together.  If it's the delusion I think it is, then I need to just put them out of my mind now and move on.  Keeping in touch is fine, but staying with your sinking ship as it burns is just dumb...

I don't want to rush through school like my parents want me to... I don't want to leisurely take time off like my friends want me to... God damn I need to stop talking to people, but you all know how people are, what with the giving of their opinions no matter how hard you try to stop them...

There's a whole lot of "I" in this post, but guess who's blog it is... fuck everyone else, they can talk about themselves in their blogs...

Anyway... I'm getting to this point where literally every waking hour is the worst hour of that day.  I can't enjoy work, I can't enjoy school, I can't enjoy social life, I can't enjoy home life, and worst of all I can't even enjoy sleep anymore...  I guess we'd be miserable without misery, if that makes any sense.

I can't tell you how much in a day I think of self mutilation.  I know that hurting myself (or worse) is not the right answer, but the amount of hours, effort, and stress people put into me... and the shit I give them in return... nothing but problems... It would be like going to a resteraunt and your server brings you great food, quick with refills, and on top of everything all dinner long.  Then you ask for the check and shit on the area that says "Tip: ____.__"

I typed another blog while sleep deprived again, didn't I... oh well, I managed to piss myself off, assuming John would read this... I can picture him walking up to me now, even jokingly, and saying "You don't have to stay here on my behalf" or something like that, and little does he know, I really feel like shit after hearing those fake fucking words.

Oh, and I've decided that Sara is a bitch... I swore off cutting ties with people, and instead wait till they're bored with me... but she is just intolerable to hang out with... She and her new mancrush are just too much into the public displays of affection thing... I don't care to see him dry-mount her, I don't care to see them making out (which happens every couple minutes), I don't care to see him grabbing her boobs... As a matter of fact, it makes me throw up a little in my mouth...  I miss her and Jess together... Jess balanced her out, where as Drew just lets her go.  But that's just my personal opinion, what the fuck do I know...

I'm going to bed before I piss myself off any further...

I appear to be out of paper... :P

Is it right to play to win?
Is it right to play for fun?
Am I destined to lose?
Or is it about the stories when all's said and done?

Let me start by saying that I'm sorry for not posting in the past... almost 2 months...  I just kinda got distracted and depressed.  Still easily agitated and very pissed off most of the time, but I'm working on it.

Anyway, I just saw Boondock Saints for the first time.  Yeah, I know, "bout god damn time" right?  :P

Everyone always talks about the movie, but nobody ever has it handy, so instead they just bitch at me... This is a common occurence in my life :\

Anyway, the movie seemed pretty good until the end, when I heard words so beautiful that I couldn't help but shed a tear.  A decree to all people on a level of humanity.  No religion, no ethnicity, nothing against anyone but the wicked...  To destroy the corrupt, to stop evil...  I heard it and it was too beautiful.


That's all I really wanted to say...  I should get some sleep now.

It's my b-day in an hour and a half... kudos to me...

Just found out my entire college schedule has been cleared for no reason without any warning.

Plan:  Drink, and don't stop drinking until all earthly feeling has left your body

Well, another labor day weekend, another LAN party...

Despite my better judgement, I decided to host a LAN party this weekend.  Here are some of my favorite people in the whole wide world, which clearly means I need to get out and meet new people.

I don't understand how everyone does it, how so many people are content with what they have and the people they surround themselves with.  I'm having such a difficult time with this, I really am, and I just wish I could be happy.

I was given advice that regular cardio gets enzymes pumping, and generally betters your mood, but I'm not sure exactly how true that is...  Then I was told that natural sunlight and serotonin are related and I should go out to the beach or something...  Then I was told maybe I should consult a psychiatrist or someone of that nature to see if I can get anti-depressants.  Anyway, so it's been a long day, and I haven't even been up for half a normal day.

I simply refuse to take antidepressants because all they really make you do is pick between being relatively emotionless or killing yourself.  I know quite a few people on these, and they generally don't feel sadness towards anything, and if that bothers them (which it does), they've been known to get their stomach pumped for trying to poison themselves.  It's kind of a sick drug to be taking, and I really don't want any part of it.

So that leaves me 3 options:
1)  Go try the sun suggestion and maintain regular cardio
2)  Be content with what I have like and never put up a fight
3)  Insert gun into mouth

...Now, let's think about these:
1)  It's potentially the best option, and if it doesn't work I still have 2 other options
2)  I've been doing this for years and the only time I've ever been truly happy was when I was with Shae...
3)  ...well, let's just go with "my time on this Earth isn't quite here yet"  ...and besides, based on how fast I drive, my end waits on the road...

Yeah, I know, morbid and depressing.  But hey, atleast I came to the right decision, eh?  Then again, to call any decision the right decision over another just gives power to option 2 since you'll always find the grass greener over yonder.

Is everyone else happy?  And how do they stay so content with life?  How come I'm usually the only one who ends up like this?  ...or maybe I should just ask whether everyone feels this way or not...  But that's a depressing line of questioning, and I'm really looking for a pick-me-up...

Oh well, gotta go...  More later

So getting off my depression for a second, I'd like to share some new information I just got:

I could, in fact, have made better choices.  I was not bound to this city how I thought I was.  I didn't think my GPA was high enough to go to the school I wanted to go to, so I made a decision based on my friends.  I just found out I graduated with a 3.5 GPA 2 years ago.

It occurs to me that people who run my life really don't have my interests in mind.


Static X is the only music that seems to be keeping me sane and balanced right now... the whole concept behind that just implies that I'm fucked up beyond repair...

So, I have awful abilities to find something depressing... I was going through the internet and sure enough, I found evidence that the girl I like probably doesn't even think about me much...  Unrequited love is a bitch, and I really just want to die right now.

So let's just strike up a list of things I've got going for me:
1)  Friends- oh wait... no, not really
2)  Fun- hmm... strike 2
3)  Relationship- nuh uh

...wow... great list...

I don't know why, I just feel so self defeating.  I rarely lash out with my rage any further than my own person and I see everything thus far as my fault.  I'm not just saying that to be emo or anything, I'm just stating the truth.  Some people get violent against others, some people roll with the punches, and some people just see themselves to blame.

I just want to find something that can save me from this depression, and when I thought I found her, she was looking for someone else.  Guess this pretty much means I'm going to be lonely and depressed for my b-day since I have no one I want to hang out with.

How do things always manage to feel so bad when you know they're coming...

So, I found out that I have many friends who are good in short bursts... Prior to realizing this fact, I blurted out that there was a LAN party at my house labor day weekend, spur of the moment decision.  I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.

I also found out none of my friends are good peoples.  I invite them into my house to drink and watch movies, and for the most part, they're making me regret that decision.  Thus far, I think my 21st birthday will be with the one person who thus far hasn't been a total douche bag to me, but I'm sure she'll be busy...

Let's see, what else.  Well, I guess I need to bring in a history lesson on this one.  Since about the 8th grade, I've only spoken about my feelings through electronic means.  I started with email, then I went AOL, now I generally use AIM.  Anyway, I tried so very hard to avoid doing that again tonight, and it was a lot harder than I'd thought it would be.  I tried to explain to someone I like that I still have feelings for her and that I can't get her out of my head, but all that came out was "I'm trying to say something, but I can't, I'll work on that for next time" or something like that... I'M SO RETARDED!!!  It's not even a nervous feeling the overwhelmed me, it just felt like really bad timing.  She'd just gotten off work and really wanted to go home and go to bed, so I just walked her out to her car and fumbled like a cheesy Hugh Grant movie for the words, but all that came out was technically a lie since I knew exactly what I wanted to say.

Guh... I can't just tell her on AIM.  I hate that on AIM, I'm so open, but in real conversation, it's all about moments that come and go while I'm still trying to decide if I should let down my guard and open up...


Again, I'm so retarded.  I have such bigger problems in my life than telling her how I feel, and yet, she's all I can think about.

I'm going to bed.  Long day of drinking and playing games and watching movies and not telling people how I really feel... and finding out day by day that even more of my "core" friend base are douche bags.

So, my parents left for the rest of the week... naturally, I called some friends and I'm hoping everything goes well, but from what I can tell, I may have a bad equation going on here... I've invited some old highschool friends I've kept in touch with, and the girl that's been written about in the past blog.

What do I hope to happen?  Well, I have hopes as high as snuggling, but to be honest, I get the feeling I'm just going to end up drinking until all earthly feeling has left my body.  Drinking doesn't fix problems, it just helps me post pone my final decision on them.

So help me god, if she ends up wanting to hang out with any of the guys after the party, I'm going to go gnaw my own hands off and choke on them.

...I can't tell if I'm paranoid or doing my math properly, but I really think she'd take to a few of my friends in a way that would make me want to gently lay my nuts in a paper shredder...


Well, on a plus note, this answers my previous question of whether I still have feelings for her or not.  Answer is a definite yes, and I want her to know that...

Maybe I'm just stupid, controlling, manipulative, and sad...  Or maybe I just know what I want and don't want to lose it anymore than I already have...  In the end, her decisions are her decisions, and I have to respect that.  I just can't say I'll ever be happy with her decisions... Life, right?

Anyway, to display how I've been feeling lately, I've made up a cute slogan.  There's the whole "I'm in yer house, killin' yer dudes" thing, so I've come up with  "I'm in yer pandora's box, luukin' fer yer hope."  I just need a cute cat picture to go with it, then it'll be so cute, you won't even notice how depressing it is.

Blah, guess I'll just go to bed, and *snugglepet* random people later... shots will ensue...

So, I've been looking forward to today for a little while now.  Today was the day my friend Shae and I were going to hang out.  After hanging out with her, I realized that I hate women.  She's a very blunt person, so when she says she likes you then she likes you, when she says she thinks your hot then she thinks your hot, etc etc...  But when she says you're hot and awesome, then mentions the blind date she went on last night where it turns out the guy is religious and she just wants a hot and awesome athiest, I wanted to get a giant glowing arrow and attach the pointy end to my head.

To put it simply, I have no luck with women.  I guess it's something to do with me, but I don't know what... Women who like me just for some reason date my friends instead of me, as some cruel joke.  Then of course, they never understand why I'm feeling depressed, and expect me to be the same person I was before they metaphorically ripped my chest open and put a cigarette out on my heart.

And yet, I guess I shouldn't complain too much considering I put myself through a hellish torture where I still hang out with both sides of the relationship.  Almost as if I hope a lightbulb will go off in their head, "Hey, he's exactly what I'm looking for... why did I go out with that other douche bag instead?"


So I've got 2 friends who just want to die because things are happening in their lives that they just can't cope with.  I've been trying to keep them active, but it's making me their person to talk to and I can't stand it.  The stories keep changing as if there are somehow new developments in past events, which just means they're hiding things from me.  There's only so much my head can take, and I'm just about willing to say "man up, deal with it..."


...Now I feel like such a douche bag...  between this paragraph and the last, I talked to her, and it kinda redeemed her in my head, so now I'm not as depressed, but I'm just setting myself up for being let down, and I know that, I can see that, but I'm still going to go hang out with her and hope that something happens, but I'm not going to be to her as important as she is to me.

I'm going to go grab a beer and a video game, and play until all conscious thought has left me...

Well, I had a good weekend...

I ended up staying at a friend's house friday night, with 3 people haven't seen in years.  Met some of the people they went to highschool with.  Let me tell you, when you find yourself drinking with friends from elementary school, you really can't help but laugh.

Good peoples... Really sad it didn't last longer than about 12 hours...

I had such a fun time at that... Jaeger bombs and beer...

Day after, I drove home and cleaned up.  We went to the beach with some other people... kinda weird, but it was funny that flirting with a 14 year old reunited me and my favorite teacher ever (he was my 10th and 11th grade english teacher and her 6th grade homeroom teacher).

Anyway, I've come to find out that if I don't even know a subject exists, I have to ask about it to get news on it... And the people I thought were good people turn out to not even care about their friends.  Don't take your friends for granted because one day you'll just really not feel well, and maybe those people you call when you need them will treat you the same way you treated them.

Other news:  I'm starting drinking wednesday morning, I'm stopping drinking sunday evening.  Anyone who wants in should probably call me.  Anyone who wants to stop me should probably help stop me from feeling despondent.

So a lot's happened since I last wrote.  I'll see if I can't list it by paragraph without going off on a tangent too much.

I've decidedly made a bad decision, but I'm sticking with it.  I'm planning on hanging out with a girl who, well... let's just say there's unanimous decision amongst people who know the both of us who just don't want to see me hurt again.  I personally think she's cool, and I really like hanging out with her.  When I hang out with her, my mind is forcibly bound to thinking in the present which severely cuts depressed thought... or, in other words, I'm too busy thinking about what to say and how to act that I don't think about the shit stream that is my past and the conundrum of crap that is my future.  I think I'm just blind to who she really is because of the feelings I have for her, but those are my feelings and it's very hard to go against them.  I'm not really looking for much in hanging out with her.  Chances are we'll watch some movies, eat some food, count some sheep, and hit up the local knitting stores, but I really don't see much for boyfriend/girlfriend stuff going down.  That aside, I look forward to being in a constant state of depression in the next month or so.

Friends:  Still angry at most of them.  Actually, on a level, I'm pissed at all of them... One got fired for not being pleasant to co-workers, one had a breakup with his long term girlfriend and apparently everything reminds him of her and I'm reminded of her because every few minutes I'm told how much something reminds him of her, a handful of them are just general assholes who I should never have invested the countless months worth of time into developing a friendship with.  Granted, a good bit of them come through for me when I could really use a hand, but it's just so stressful trying to handle everyone's problems and not being able to rest at all.  I have two friends who are actively looking for reasons not to pull the trigger, and I'm not even suited to talk one out of it, let alone two.  I try to offer up as much of my free time as I can, but there's only so much that I can do without having a mental breakdown.  I feel absolutely helpless about the situation because I have no advice and all I can do is listen patiently and try to get them out of their houses.  I have shit social skills and at times I feel like my vocal chords or brain just can't process anything.  It leaves me both directly and vicariously in some sort of depression.

Started working out at the gym and my upper body is absolutely devastated.  I have extremely limited use of my arms, and it's become hard to even drive places or lift heavy things, or even adjust my pillow.  I'm entirely serious about that last one.  Has nothing to do with the weight of the pillow, my arms just go through excruciating pain moving above my head especially.  I've been abusing the treadmill a good bit too, but my legs are very much used to being abused.  I haven't done much physical activity since 8th grade, so I'm trying to bring my body back into shape before I start abusing the hell out of it.  All this because I want to accurately portray Kenshin when/if my friend finishes the outfit, hehe.  I'm only half serious about that.  I do want to get some good tone going and lose a bit of weight, look all sexy for the ladies (insert laughter here because I'll never meet a woman who I can be with who isn't already seeing someone).

Let's see, I know I'm forgetting something.  OH YEAH!!  For anyone who hasn't watched Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, all 52 episodes, now would be a good time.  It is absolutely brilliant, astounding, and perhaps my newest "favorite anime" despite the fact that I really don't have the look to pull off any of their cosplays.  I cannot say this strong enough, Stand Alone Complex is a work of art and ranks up there with the greatest literary works I've ever come to know.

I think that's about it.  Tip your wait-staff before you leave... Maybe I could pull off a Major Kusanagi crossplay... It's the hair I'm thinking about, I can always stuff my breasts and wear the body armor outfit so I don't have to take any extra measures to... well... I'll just leave it at that, hehe :)

Feeling a bit better about my body, feeling pretty crappy about friends, feeling pretty lonely in bed, and feeling awfully tired.  Later everyone, this day has been milked for all it was worth

So, I'm at a LAN party.  I'm well liked, generally, and I think it's because I'm so very indifferent, but that aside, my friends suck.  There's currently 3 of us here and I'm on one side of the table and the other 2 are on the other side, sharing headphones, laughing, saying things that will of course gather attention, and everytime I ask what's going on, they say things that they know will piss me off... I know, I know "you're just being paranoid and crazy"  right?  Well, they will admit they're giving me shit because I'm on this side of the table...

I need new friends.  Ones that I could count on if I needed to, not people who do everything half assed.  Not friends that give up on their dream because someone spelled out that it would take hard work.  That's right, my friend that's giving me the most shit here gave up on his dream because someone said "unless you get into a big company, there's no job security" about his dream job.  I need friends with ambition, but won't push their friends down for their own end.  I'm sick of my friends walking on me to make their lives better.  I don't care if I make a wrong decision, I just want to be able to make my own decision without it being snatched out infront of me.  Yes, I got into a rant about old loves (Note:  The reason I haven't had a serious relationship in about 6 years is because girls I like go out with close friends... one of whom is the OTHER guy across the table).

I really don't mean to rant, I just need to get it off my chest before I end up stressing and what not... aneurysms, you know.  "If it weren't for my horse..."
Anyway.  I can't wait for this LAN to end.  I can't wait till I can play EVE tonight, where people actually rely on my responsibility to get jobs done.  I like more than anything to be the guy helping other people, usually free of charge.  That makes me happy.  It's because when you do something for someone, they generally respect you more.  But when I go out of my way to do something nice for my friends, and they respond with this crap, I just feel so depressed... I do some pretty nice things for them... They hate driving, so I spare them the 30 minute drive to my house.  They wanted to play an Magic Find Sorc in Diablo 2, I gave up my M.F. gear.  They want LAN parties, I open the house up and feed them, etc, for days on end...  I do so much and spend so much money on them, and I have to deal with this bullshit?  I really wish I did go as far from here as possible for college... I should've gotten away from all of them, family, friends, jacksonville.

...Oh well... be a douche to me once, shame on you... be a douche to me twice, you're still a douche bag...

I suddenly have about the same respect for my friends that I do for those abusive boyfriends girls always talk about, you know the ones.  As a nice guy, I've had the utmost distaste for those guys...

Oh yea, I didn't get to go to AFO... kinda disappointed about that, but it's definitely for the best considering the drama that went on between my other friends...

So that's all... I just needed to rant somewhere...

So... I live at my parent's house still... I made a wrong choice about 2 years ago to stay in Jacksonville... I wanted to be with my friends, who at the time I thought were worth staying here for.  I met a lot of good people in my staying here, but have found out some of the bad things here...  I found out that my friends don't have the same respect for me that I have for them.  I found out that I'm doomed to lose girlfriends to close friends.  I found out that "there's no place like home" can mean home sucks on a personal level.  I also found out that it's really hard to find hope in Pandora's box.

It can be so damn hard to be an optimist, but I try.  I am an idealist at heart, but don't confuse that for ignorance.  I know my idealist ways get me into trouble, put me at the back of the line, and often times don't have any merit at all... and it sucks... nice guys finish last, eh?

I hate it... I'm trying not to delete this post a thousand times before posting it, and yet all I can ever seem to do is spout useless, unmoving thoughts that have no positive values.

I regret the choice I made to stay in Jacksonville because that choice made my life stagnant. What I mean is, my life stopped a long time ago... I've made no progress, I've done nothing that I can be proud of, I've done so very little at all.  It was a defense mechanism that tried to stop me from making situations I regret, and yet I still keep finding those situations.  We try so hard to defend ourselves and protect our way of life, but sometimes, you just need to tear down the walls and pick out what's healthiest for you.  Those are words I should live by, but I think I'm too weak.

The only way I will ever make progress in my life is if I do the following:  1) Gather every note about programming I can get my hands on and commit it to memory, 2) Get a job, 3) Become selfish, 4) Work hard at my craft and strive to be the best

But in my weakness what have I accomplished of these?   1) I've had a C text book for a year now... haven't opened it... 2) I've applied at 4 different places... no word back at all  3) I still live to make other people's lives work  4) My knowledge of what little programming I've done is meager at best...


I am sorry for being so down... I needed to get my thoughts somewhere I could see them, ya know?

I'm going to apply at Walgreen's or CVS soon... I heard pharmacy technicians make good money... I only have luck if I have confidence, remember that!

Today... is a whirlwind of party fouls... No, not foul the bird, foul like "YOU!!  GO TO THE PENALTY BOX!!"

...So, my friend John... He hasn't renewed the tags on his car because it'll be damn expensive and he has child support to pay... So he finds it very hard to get the money to do what he needs, same story with many of us...  But here's where the story between many of us and John separates... John lives about an hours drive away, and he found his way to this side of town somehow.  He works at Target, and they had some new employee seminar thingy and it was over here.  So after that, he walked to my house, told my mom he was expected and I was driving him home...

Now... At this time, I'm trying my damnedest to fix my sleep schedule for class... make sure I don't miss the last 2 classes, ya know?

...So now, I've been asleep for 2 hours, after being up for about a day... and I have my mom waking me up.. What could possibly make this scenario suck more?  She ended up taking him home after I woke up...

...so my sleep schedule is messed up, I'm tired and cranky, and the only person that's talking to me is a guy that I really, honestly, and truly, don't want anything to do with...  don't really want to talk about why...

Here I sit... Playing EVE-Online again... tired, cranky, uncomfortable, annoyed, and about to shoot somebody (don't worry, all I have is an airsoft bb gun)..

You know what would make this situation worse?  My mom coming upstairs to tell me about the latest Harry Potter book and how I really should read them...  I give her about 30 minutes...

So... last night I got a phone call from a good friend of mine, and he said "This is the strangest question I will ever ask you" to me...  I tried to argue the point and say stuff like "there is no way that is true... SOUP!!"  and... other... random... yeah...

Anyway, so he asked me if I had a tux and was free for the next 24 hours... I rummaged through my closet to find what I believe to be my father's wedding tux, told him I was free and told him what I thought about the tux... he said "perfect... you're marrying my sister tomorrow"

...
...
...

This was truly the strangest question I had ever been asked... and I am infinitely sorry for doubting his powers...

His parents do video editing and do a lot of those action shots you see in the news and what not.  So he explained they were doing a wedding scene and needed a groom in tux and his sister was the bride.  I was having an unbelievable amount of fun pretending to be the groom at a fake wedding... like... a child in a playground playing dress up kind of fun... and before you ask, no I was never made to wear women's clothes as a kid... that was 11th grade...

Anyway, it was all great fun and what made it even more complete was a couple of us went back to their house to play some Airsoft and his sister came home and I said "Welcome home honey!" and she said "Good to see you dear" ...and we were all rofling...

Oh yea.. Airsoft... My MP5 came today :)  finally I can play... damn fun gun, but they gave me a 68 bb clip, and that's just unexceptable... I go through it too quickly...

...So to make this day truly complete, I just went to facebook and changed my status from single to married... oh how the comments will flood in ^_^